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I’m Not Really Here

Exploring my Spiritual Life Through Autism

One day, I went out to lunch with a friend. We weren’t actually close, but we just tended to keep each other company from time to time. So at this lunch, with nothing else to really talk about mainly because I could not think of anything to say, my friend started to talk about her favorite movie. She loved The Paino, which was a movie I had seen a few months before our meeting. She described her favorite scenes while I just sat there smiling and nodding my head in response.

“You did see the movie, didn’t you?” she suddenly asked me.

I honestly answered that I had seen it several months ago when it finally was showing at the discount theater downtown. It was always best that I went to the dollar theater instead of paying the full price for any movie at the multi-plex cinemas in town. I hardly ever was able to focus for two hours on anything, and movies could be a big struggle. I fake-enthusiastically said yes which prompted her to immediately ask, “Well, what was your favorite scene?”

I just sat there staring at her. My mind started to quickly race as I tried to recall a scene, any scene, from the movie. Not a single cinematic moment of the film came up in my memory. I couldn’t remember anything about the movie. But this usually happened and it was the reason why it was better for me to go to the discount theaters or watch at home on cable (at that time!).

My friend just stared back at me for a moment before shaking her head and looking away. We finished our meals in stony silence then. It wasn’t her fault. She had tried to start a conversation over something she was passionate about, and I had completely dropped the ball.

I knew it was my fault. I don’t usually talk and direct questions like “what was your favorite scene” causes me to immediately shut down in anxiety. This is a usual occurrence for me, and I have grown comfortable with it over the years, even though other people don’t understand it. Because of my situation, a lot of strange things have been said about me over the years. I have been called everything from weird, strange, neurotic, and several times I have been referred to as reptilian alien by many psychics in my metaphysical circles (more details about that later).

But even after all the names I have been called and the unusual behaviors I have expressed from time to time, only one person has ever discovered my secret. My friend, Tracy, approached me one day and kindly asked, “Jamie, are you autistic?”

Tracy had seen right into my soul and brain. I had believed I had hid my condition well. Nobody would ever know my secret about being diagnosed with autism at the age of six or of the other mental health disorders I have struggled with all my life. But finally…finally…one person had discovered my truth.

 Could it be possible that more people knew about me and just decided to never say anything about it? But they weren’t silent. They choose to call me “strange” and “alien.” Could they have possibly thought the word “autistic” was worse than the titles they used? Could it possibly be more appropriate to call me a reptilian? That is still not politically or socially acceptable. 

So here’s my truth. I was diagnosed with autism when I was just 6 years old. I also have anxiety and depression with major OCD patterns. For all of my life, I have fought valiantly to hide my “condition.” My mom and I didn’t even talk about my autism diagnosis until I was around 39 years old. Sometimes, I get angry about this. I knew there was something different about me, even though my mom always tried to reassure me that nothing was wrong.

But there was something wrong. I was autistic with other mental health issues. My mother never wanted to discuss it. She thought it would be best if we just ignored my diagnosis. Just don’t talk about it and if it doesn’t go away, well, let’s just deny and pretend so no one else will know. My mother’s attempts to not set me apart set me apart! If my mother had let me know, if we had faced this together, maybe I wouldn’t have grown up hating myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have grown up thinking of myself as weird or strange or reptilian. This has been my battle for the past several decades. How do I now learn to love and appreciate myself?

But there is something else, too. I knew I was different from other people in several ways. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I struggled to concentrate or focus. I dissolved into moments of anxiety and depression.  

But the main thing that is unique about me is that I have had many spiritual and religious experiences with the other side. This is what I thought was “weird” about me until my mom and I finally had the discussion about my autism. Now, it seems strange to me that as I have been opening up to my situation and my true self, I have been discovering all kinds of information about the connection between autism and spirituality. I have been reading about epilepsy and other mental health situations and the connection to universal consciousness. It reminds me of a teacher I had in massage school several years ago. She was describing her own adult ADHD and stated, “How do we know that ADHD isn’t just some form of higher intelligence?”

I look at my autism and mental health situations that way now. Is it higher intelligence? Is it just a deeper connection to the universe? So that’s why I have decided to write this blog. I not only am publicly accepting my own true self, but by reviewing my life, I am trying to find my own connection to the universe and the reason why I was born this way. So in this blog, you will be reading about my strange spiritual connections, my ghost stories, my personal relationship with my autism, and even different pieces of information I wish to share about autism and spirituality. I will be discussing and defining mental health conditions and how they may connect us to another way of being. I will share information about books or movies that may be relevant to these situations.

I am looking for clues that my autism and spiritual connection is just another form of existence, another way of being. It is not better and definitely not worst, but just way my brain needs to function in order to bridge the gap between heaven and earth and to wander through all the realms of the universe. Over just the last few months, I have embraced my autism completely, and I am ready for this journey now. Please come along with me. I promise I’m not an alien!!  Maybe…