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One major characteristic of autism is an inability to control certain physical movements. According to Achievement Behavior Services, “Autism rocking and hand flapping are common forms of self-stimulatory behavior (stimming) used to regulate sensory input, express intense emotions (joy, anxiety), or cope with stress. These behaviors, often developing by age three, include rhythmic, repetitive movements like flapping arms, twisting fingers, or rocking the body, often when excited, stressed, or bored.” Stimming in Autism is not always a problem. It is a functional and vital tool for emotional and sensory regulation. Stimming needs intervention only if the behavior interferes with daily life or becomes harmful.

I personally have struggled with stimming all my life. I have never been able to be still. I am in constant motion. When I am sitting down, my legs continue to swing and kick. When I talk, my hands will flap and fling away from my body. However, my worst stimming habit occurs when I am standing. I cannot stop without great effort the rocking back and forth of my body. Sometimes, I imagine that I look like I am dancing to music that only I can hear. When I am in full awareness, I watch the people around me and wonder how they can stand perfectly still. Usually I am not in full awareness, and my body will continually rock and sway regardless of where I am and who is around me.

Again according to Achievement Behavior Services, characteristics of rocking includes moving the body back and forth or side-to-side, often while sitting or stand. This motion provides consistent, comforting sensory input to help with self-regulation and increases during stress, anxiety, or when the individual is attempting to focus. 

Trying to gain control of my actions and force myself to stop moving does not usually work. It causes a great strain on my body. I feel a physical ache in my lower back and upper legs that can only be relieved by being in motion. Trying to remain still not only strains my muscles, but takes immense concentration and focus. If my mind wanders for only a moment, my body will start to sway again. Of course, I only realize this when I notice other people stepping away from me or staring at me curiously, but I just can’t seem to stop these repetitive motions. I don’t want to disturb other people, so at times,I will endure the stress on my body and mind just to ensure that I appear normal to other people, and I don’t overstep their boundaries.

But lately, I’m not always sure where those lines exist. Growing up, I was lead to believe that autism was shameful and needed to be hidden from the rest of society. However, I had made up my mind this year that I was no longer going to struggle with being “normal,” though normal as never really been defined for me. 

 Autism is part of who I am as a human being, and I am not going to hide anymore. My decision to embrace my behaviors is because lately I have meet many autistic people who live without shame or guilt. I want to be like them. I decided there would be no more hiding or holding back. I was going to be me in all my autistic glory. I want to be secure within myself. But I wonder now if I have made a mistake and overstepped some boundaries last weekend.

April 10 to 12, 2026, I participated in a psychic/spiritual fair in Independence, Missouri. I was excited because this was the first fair I had worked after taking a 5 month winter break to focus on writing blogs and essays, recording my podcast, and creating videos for my TikTok and YouTube channels. I felt happy to be back at a fair, even though I have to admit that there have been many times that I didn’t always feel like I belonged with the other psychic readers and vendors. I have felt like an outsider and, at times, struggled to connect. Over the 9 years I have offered tarot readings at the fairs throughout the Midwest, I have been disregarded by the other venders. I have been labelled an alien, a reptilian, self-centered, and neurotic. I have been called names, laughed at, questioned in my abilities, and uninvited to events. I didn’t know how to communicate before that I am not reptilian. I am autistic. I guess I just assumed that if they were psychic they would figure it out sooner or later. It hasn’t happened yet though. Several weeks ago, I had commented on a Facebook post by one of the promoters. I had made the decision to announce that I have autism in one of my comments. The promoter responded with an LOL and stated that my comments contracted themselves. I didn’t know how to interpret her response, so instead I just deleted my comments. So now, here I was stepping into this fair and embracing my autism. Would I be accepted?

Each day before the fair opened at 11 am, all the readers and vendors are instructed to gather in a circle for opening announcements and meditations. I wasn’t trying to show off or create a problem, but I wasn’t stopping myself either. I allowed my body to rock back and forth as I listened to the opening announcements as I struggled to pay attention. I wonder now if my actions were disturbing as other people followed mediations to breathe, relax, close their eyes and wave their arms to bring in energy. I just stayed in my space and did my own thing. I rocked back and forth without trying to force myself to stop. I didn’t close my eyes because I have a very hard time trusting people and can panic to close my eyes while being in a crowd of people. To ease my stress, I refused to hold my body still and I kept my eyes open. I’m not a social person because of my autism, but this time I felt completely alone. I didn’t know how to express that I was just trying to do what was right and natural for myself.

But I think my actions, though quiet, were observed as being inappropriate and disruptive. During the course of the fair, other readers stood by my table and talked to each other loud enough for me to hear while they criticized my ability to read clients. The reader sitting at the table next to mine actually moved her large, 6-foot, standing banner sign into a position where she could hide behind it. I think she thought she was blocking my “negative energy.”

I didn’t know how to fix this situation. Should I stand in the middle of the circle and scream, “But I have autism.” Should I try to control and hide my behaviors again? Should I force myself to stand still and, thus, appear normal. Should I forget about my plan to embrace my autism just so other people around me are comfortable and would stop worrying that I am sending bad energy with every sway of my body. I don’t really know how to handle this new realm of embracing my true self and I may never knew exactly how to address this situation in a manner that makes everyone comfortable. I only know this. I am not an alien or a reptilian. I am not to be laughed at or mocked I am not trying to send bad energy or curse other people. I am not trying to make other people uncomfortable. I’m only trying for just a moment in my life to love myself with autism.  I suddenly realize that finding that balance is going to take some time…but I’m gonna keep on rockin’ it!